Transcriptions from a Disgruntled Employee
by chocolatemooses
Summary: Tony and Pepper's skewed version of events in their lives. "Pepper. You bring me to these kinds of things and honestly expect me to behave?" A pause. A sigh. "No, no I don't"
1. Transcription One

Title: Trascriptions from a Disgruntled Employee  
Author: chocolatemooses  
Chapter: Transcription One

AN: Okay, so this came from watching the X-files episode Bad Blood, if you are an X-Phile you know what I am talking about. If not, basically I thought that Tony and Pepper probably both have a different view of how things go in their life. And I was really stuck with my other story. The style is sort of strange, but whatever. Please review and Enjoy.

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**--Transcripts from June 15, 2009--  
--Interview with Tony Stark and Pepper Potts, conducted by Richard L. Head--  
--Transcribed by Lacey Miller, extraordinaire--**

**--It is midnight and I am still at the office while my boss is at home sleeping like the little baby he is. I have been on my feet for ten hours straight and I haven't eaten anything since eleven this morning. And after I am done here I get to go home to my dilapidated apartment where the sixteen-year-old kid in the apartment above will be playing that 50 Cent crap until three A.M., and I can't move to a different complex because my lovely boss is too cheap to give me a well deserved bonus. Yeah, I'm disgruntled. Anyway, moving on.--**

_bomp bomp bomp_

_static_

Head: Is thing on? _Incoherent muttering from out of mic's range_

Head: Well how the hell am I supposed to know? That's why you're here.

_loud crash _

_static_

Head and tech guy, his name is Steve, not important: OH –BEEP-! --**You get the idea, and I don't want to write the word in case my nephew finds these later. Remember last year when he found the Oprah interview. It was weeks before he stopped saying -beeping-mother-bleepers-.--**

Tech Guy: What the –beep- was that?

_scratching_ --**The microphone broke, Rich had to pay for it. Whined for three hours, cheap bastard. Not important.--**

_long pause, intermittingly broken by mic static_

Head: Okay. Okay, are they here? They're waiting, well give me a second. This is Richard L. Head conducting an exclusive interview with Tony Stark of Iron Man fame and his assistant Pepper Potts.

_impatient voices_

Head: Well damn just let them in then. Seriously, why does Stark feel the need to hit on _my_ assistant, poor Lacey. --**Pepper Potts is a scary scary woman. I am still shaking a little. Great taste in shoes though. Jimmy Cho's, very nice, classy. Not important.--**

_shuffling_

_doors open and close_

Head: Mr. Stark. Pepper, thanks for coming.

Stark, a.k.a. the most gorgeous man in the world: No problem Mr. Head.

Head: Please call me Richard.

_pause_

_snicker_

Stark: Richard, Richard Head?

_Head sighs_

Head: Please get it out of your system.

_the snickers get louder_

Stark: You're parents really must've hated you.

Head: Yeah, something like that.

Stark: I once knew a guy named Benjamin Dover. _more snickers_

Potts: No you didn't.

Stark: laughing loudly You're right, I didn't but you can't honestly expect me to behave when you bring me to these kinds of things.

_a pause_

Potts: _sighs_ No. No I don't.

Stark: Right, what were we talking about? Ahh, yes. Mr. Richard L. Head.

_coughs_

Head: Yesssss. --**It really sounded like that, sssss--** Let's continue. papers shuffle I am really honored that you two would give me an interview, this is the first you've given as an official couple.

Stark: Yeah, we've kept the relationship quiet for Pepper's sake. I didn't want any jealous women attacking her too early in the relationship. From what I understand hate mail can really be a downer, especially when first dating.

Potts: _phfft _**--Or _pffght_ not important--**Yeah, sure. No we just didn't want to adverstise our private business to the entire world. You know.

Head: I got you. But from what I understand though, the world is going crazy over you two. You recently released a statement that you are engaged. Tell, me how did you pop the question?

_sound of a chair scraping the floor_

_Stark and Potts, at the same time_

Stark: It went off perfectly.

Potts: It was a complete disaster.

Stark and Potts: What?

Potts: What do you mean it went perfectly?

Stark: It did, everything went off without a hitch. My plan was perfect, as usual.

Potts: _disbelieving laugh_ What are you talking about? What do you think happened?

Stark: I know what happened, the question is what do _you_ think happened?

Potts: _clears her throat_ Well, it went like this…

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AN: Sorry this is so short, it is just a prologue, you know, set up the scene. If you don't like the style then don't read the story. On the next installment, we hear Pepper's take on Tony poping the question, fun ensues. Please review so I will update faster.


	2. Transcription Two

Title: Transcripts from a Disgruntled Employee  
Chapter: Transcription Two  
Author: chocolatemooses  
Disclaimer: Yeah, right. Like I could own Iron Man.

AN: WOO! I'm back, I am terribly sorry for the long wait for an update. I have been distracted by the shiney new-ness of The Dark Knight. (Okay, did that movie rock or what?). But nothing can keep me away from Tony too long, so here is a new chapter. Please review, I love them so much. They keep me warm during cold lonely nights. Enjoy.

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**--Continued Transcripts from June 15, 2009--  
--Interview with Tony Stark and Pepper Potts, conducted by Richard L. Head--  
--Transcribed by Lacey Miller, former magician--**

**--Okay, sorry. The phone rang, damn telemarketers. Must be getting desperate, calling so late at night. Anyway, where was I? Ahh, yes.--**

Potts:_ clears her throat_ Well, it went like this…ridiculously. It was May 1st and the day started just like any other day…

* * *

I had gotten up early, but as usual Tony was already awake, presumably down in the kitchen or in his workshop. I had stumbled into the kitchen, half dead, needing coffee like I was dying of thirst. Tony was, as I said before, awake and his usual, um, exuberant self. Let's just say he definitely already had _his _caffeine fix.

"Heeeeeeey PEPPA! How are you? Whatcha doin'? I'm hungry, wanna make me a bagel? Oooo, look something shiny!"

* * *

Stark: I do NOT get distracted by shiny things? What am I four?

_--silence--_

Stark: Okay, but I don't get distracted by shiny things that early in the morning. --_pause--_ Stop giving me that look.

Potts: Will you let me continue?

Stark: Continue.

Potts: --_harrumphs slightly--_ As I was saying, Tony was his usual self…

* * *

I struggled to open my eyes, but gave up as the light burned my retinas. So with my eyes closed I muttered in a very polite voice, "Tony, I really have a lot of work today. So could you please, please, please, behave for just today?"

Tony beamed at me and dammit, it is so hard to stay mad at him for long. And don't look so cocky, Tony. It is just because you look like you are five that early in the morning. He kissed me on the forehead and I gave up trying to be annoyed. "Okay, Pep. I promise. I'll be downstairs if you need me."

He was halfway to the basement and I was halfway through my first sip of the all important mocha, when he called, "Hey, don't forget we have dinner plans for later tonight!"

I barely grunted in return but he knew I wouldn't forget. Sighing, I blew lazily on the steaming cup of coffee and allowed myself to wallow in the few minutes of peace I had afforded myself this early in the morning.

You see, I am the second busiest being in the universe. The first being bees, I give them that, although I contend that I am more productive than they are from day to day. So, being the second busiest being in the world and the assistant/girlfriend to the most aggravating man in the world, I am often pushed to the edge of sanity on a routine basis. The only thing that keeps me relatively sane is my morning coffee, he who comes between me and Starbucks generally regrets it.

Eventually I finished my coffee and began to work of the monstrous piles of paperwork that just seem to bigger each day. I was working at a pretty steady pace when Tony's voice echoed through the house.

"PEPPER!"

I didn't feel like getting up and seeing what he needed so I shouted back. "WHAT?"

"DO WE HAVE ANY WATER BALLOONS IN THE HOUSE?"

I sighed, I knew that wherever this was going I wasn't going to like it. "NOT THAT I KNOW OF, NO."

"CAN YOU GO OUT AND BUY SOME FOR ME? IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT."

"WHY DO YOU NEED WATER BALLOONS, TONY?" Part of me really didn't want to know and part of me, the masochistic mothering part, knew that I had to ask.

"I JUST NEED THEM. I AM NOT GOING USE THEM ON YOU, I PROMISE."

"DAMN STRAIGHT YOU'RE NOT USING THEM ON ME!"

"HEY DON'T GET MAD AT ME!"

"I'M NOT MAD, I AM JUST SHOUTING SO YOU CAN HEAR ME FROM ACROSS THE HOUSE." I finally realized how ridiculous it was to conduct a conversation from across the room so I reluctantly pushed myself away from my desk and made my way down to the basement.

"OH, OKAY. SORRY….WILL YOU GET THEM FOR ME?" I peered down the stairs where Tony was still yelling. "Oh, hey there you are."

"Tony, why in the world do you need water balloons." I put my hands on my hips, trying to appear as though I wasn't entertained by the conversation.

"Well, you see…"

* * *

Potts: Then he went into this big long spiel that was basically, "Blah blah blah. I act like a seven-year-old. Blah blah blah. For the greater good of the scientific world. Blah blah blah. Experiment.

Stark (outraged): That is what I sound like to you!

Potts: Sometimes, yeah.

Stark: Well that's just insulting.

Potts: _rolls her eyes_ **--I don't know this for sure, but I can make a pretty positive guess that she would in this instance--**Any way as I was saying.

* * *

"What kind of experiment would require you to use water balloons?" I was slowly starting to give into his demands just to end this pointless interrogation.

"Weren't you listening to a thing I said?"

I threw my hands up in surrender, not wanting to admit that sometimes I block him out. It would crush his gigantic ego.

* * *

Stark: I do NOT have a gigantic ego.

Potts: I am not even going to acknowledge that with a reply.

Stark: I don't!

Potts: Are you going to let me finish?

Stark: Fine, fine. _Mutters to himself_. I don't have a gigantic ego.

* * *

"Okay, I'll go get them for you. Is there a certain brand you need me to buy?"

Tony shook his head, a mischievous grin on his face. "Nope. Any kind will do."

"Fine."

Ten minutes later is was at a local Target, searching for water balloons. It was strange, every employee that I would approach would suddenly walk in the opposite direction, suddenly appearing terribly busy. Pretty soon I was just wandering the store accosting random teenagers until I found an employee who would assist me. Eventually I left the store.

Sixteen minutes later I was at a Wal-Mart and the exact same thing happened. Every employee avoided me like the plague. I was pissed, they were treating me like a freakin' leper.

One hour and twenty-seven minutes later, I was at a Target across town when I spotted a surprising and familiar face.

"Jim?"

James Rhodes, who was browsing through cooking ware, turned and was apparently just as surprised to see me.

"Pepper, what are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for water balloons for Tony."

Jim wasn't even fazed by the strange request, both of us have been asked to do or get stranger things. Instead he reached into his shopping cart, which was curiously filled with Oreo Cakesters and Whether's Butterscotch candies, and pulled out a large package of water balloons. I almost toppled over with relief and surprise.

"Where did you get those?" I had been searching through the store for twenty minutes and hadn't found a single balloon, aqueous or not.

"Over there." He pointed to a pimply-face boy who filling a nearby rack with brightly colored packages of water balloons. I should have been suspicious of their sudden appearance but I was too grateful to question it.

"Thank god." I ran over and began to fill my cart to the brim with the little bastards. The boy looked horrified as I tore through his newly created display.

Moments later, I was checked out, bagged, and happily leaving the store when Jim caught up with me.

"Hey, you wanna go grab some lunch? I'm starving." It was nearly three and I was suddenly famished so Jim and I found a nearby dinner.

We had an enjoyable late lunch but by the end I was anxious to get back to the mansion, something in my gut was telling that there was something going on that I didn't know about. I was just about to leave when Rhodes ordered another piece of pie and began another long and boring story about his days at West Point.

* * *

Potts: This went on for HOURS Tony, hours.

Stark: Hey don't blame me. I asked him to keep you busy, not bore you to death.

Potts (disgruntled): Hours, Tony. Hours.

* * *

As I said, it was hours later, when I was finally on the drive back home. I was less than ten minutes away when I heard the sirens. I pulled over to the curb as a fire truck zoomed past me. I watched it drive ahead and silently prayed, "Please turn left."

It turned right.

I instantly gunned the engine and was flying down the street, hurriedly trying to get to the house. As I approached I was able to breathe again. The mansion looked completely intact and, discounting the fire trucks parked lazily nearby, everything looked the same.

I ran toward the house but was stop by a firefighter. I demanded to know what had happened. The firefighter, who was very handsome, told me that it was a small electrical fire and that it had been put out by the time they got here. He also told me that there was too much smoke for her to go inside right now.

Frustrated, tired, and bloated on pie; I made my way over to the ambulance where Tony was forcibly being feed oxygen through a mask.

"I told you I don't need this god damned thing." He pushed away the mask and, when he spotted me, hopped down from the back of the car.

"What the hell happened here?" I asked, gesturing towards the house.

He shrugged, "Nothing. Did you get the water balloons?"

* * *

Potts: Before I continue let's recap. I had just spent the last two hours driving around Los Angeles looking for freaking water balloons. Having eventually found them more than an hour away from home, I run into Jim who proceeds to bore me to tears, to tears, with his stories and forcing me to eat mediocre pie. I come back home and what do I find? Two fire trucks, an ambulance and a few police cars waiting for me. I can't even get into the house long enough to wash the smell of burger grease and pie crusts out of my hair. And when I ask for an explanation as to the presence of aforementioned government officials what do I get? "Nothing. Did you get the water balloons?" So, needless to say, I was –Bleeping-- pissed.

* * *

"NOTHING?! Tony, I swear to God if you don't tell me what happened in the next two minutes I am going to kill you, not like the 'ha ha ha, omg I'm going to kill you', I mean I-will-kill-you."

"Pepper, it was just a little electrical fire. I was messing around with some wires and they just caught on fire."

"Tony, I know you better than that. You are ridiculously careful when you are down there, a little electrical fire wouldn't happen."

"Would you believe me if I said that I was distracted by thoughts of you?"

"No."

"Why not? That is a legitimate reason, you're very distracting." He waggled his eyebrows at me and I was just a little bit angrier. Not wanting to push his luck anymore he continued. "Listen, Pepper. I will tell you I promise, just not right now."

"What do you mean not right now?! Have you seen what's going on?"

"I know what's going on Pepper, I just thought that you would like to clean up a bit before I explain what happened."

"I don't need to clean up. I am going to have to call all the cleaners and take care of all the press that's going to surround this little event. I am going to have to spend hours doing inventory on everything in the house and I won't get to sleep in my own bed tonight, so I would like an explanation. Now!" A curious glint came into his dark eyes and for a moment I kind of regretted yelling because now several officers, firefighters, and paramedics were watching them with interest. I was looking around the crowd of people when I notice Jim standing beside a fire truck, he waved when he saw me. Then I noticed that cars were pulling up towards the house, the occupants being my sister and my aunt, both dressed in formal attire. A couple of other cars could be seen coming up the driveway.

I turned to Tony. "What the hell is going on?"

He smiled and hopped up on the ambulance, he began to shout, "Hey, everybody. Look over here! Look at me!"

I was bright red by now and trying to pull Tony down. He hopped down and I gasped when he got on his knees, I really couldn't believe what was happening. "What are you doing?"

"Pepper, I almost burned down the house."

"Yes, I can see that." My voice was strangled and I wondered when was the last time it sounded like that.

"And, instead of crying, or worrying about the stuff you lost, you started listing off all the things that you are going to need to do for me. That's why I don't deserve you and that's why I thank God that I have you. I want the rest of the world to know that we belong to each other and so, Pepper, will you marry me?" With that he pulled out a small, velvet box and popped it open. Inside was a simple white gold band with a small tasteful design, displaying a small and sparkling diamond. Now most girls would have thought that with a boyfriend like Tony Stark I would have gotten a ring with a ridiculously huge diamond, surrounded by countless other jewels. But he got me something so beautiful and so elegant and so wonderful that I felt like he had just presented me with the Hope Diamond.

My eyes were watering slightly when I pulled Tony into forceful kiss and I was shaking a little but I have never been happier in my life.

* * *

Potts: Tony said later that there was applause.

Stark: Oh there was, loud applause, just like in the movies, just like I planned. You didn't tell the story right at all.

Potts: Oh really.

Stark: Yes, really. You don't remember falling into my arms, tears of joy streaming down your face.

Potts: No I don't recall that figment of your imagination.

Stark: Figment of my-, where were you?

Head: Well, why don't you tell us what happened.

_Rustling_

Stark: I will. It started like this….

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AN: How did Tony view the events surrounding his engagement? Will they be wildly blown out of proportion? (Probably) Will we ever find out what Richard ever did to his parents? For these answers and more tune in to the next installment of Transcripts from a Disgruntled Employee.

On a side note, who doesn't love those Oreos Cakesters? I could just die eating those little delicious bastards. Anyway, read and review.


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